Father’s Day

I have a close friend who is currently going through a divorce. She has children with this guy, so it’s been a very difficult process. She is a fantastic mother, one of the best I’ve seen, so of course she’s making damn sure that, even though the divorce has been troubling at best, the kids get to spend as much time as possible with their father. She’s doing the right thing, right? Well, of course she is, we all say. We hear terrible stories all the time about awful harpies who keep their kids from their fathers because they’re angry about this or that, and the kids pay the price for the dissolution of the marriage. The kids are getting the short end of the stick so these women can punish their exes for cheating or whatever.

But let’s talk about the ex-husband of my friend for a minute. He’s selfish. He’s not dependable. He drinks a lot. He’s violent. He’s immature. He’s ignorant to what’s going on in the world. He’s unstable. He’s unfaithful. I could go on, but he doesn’t deserve the typing.

Now my friend’s kids are at pivotal stages of their development; they are learning everything there is to know about being a human being from their parents right this very moment. So let’s think about this: Is she really doing the right thing by insisting these little sponges spend every weekend away with this guy? Really? Not only is their mental and physical safety in question, but what about the long-term effects? Is her strength and love and support enough to counter-act the effect of spending hours and hours with their totally lame-ass father? We know for a fact now that child development is a combination of nature and nurture, so how does she know that they won’t inherit any or all of these traits from him?

I’m a child of divorce, as are many of the people my age, so I know that it can suck to not to have a real dad around. On the other hand, I had a wonderfully happy childhood and (some people may disagree with this) I turned out pretty kick-ass, despite the fact that I grew up with a single mom. Would I have been as confident and level-headed as I am now if I was forced to spend every weekend with my shy, indecisive father and his totally overbearing wife? Who’s to say?

I know at one point, my friend loved this guy enough to marry and have children with him, so I guess he can’t be that bad. But he’s bad enough that I can safely say that I hate his guts, and I don’t use that word lightly.  I see those sweet little kids and all I can think about is them, at his place, by themselves, and all of the stupid shit that comes out of his mouth going directly into their ears. And as much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m starting to see his selfish, aggressive tendencies show up in the 6-year-old boy. And because of the way this whole divorce machine works, there’s nothing to be done. My only wish is that her influence in their lives will be great enough to help them overcome their unfortunate genealogy.

The acorn and the tree.